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I’m a mess

I often  wonder why we meet the people we do. I will be incredibly genuine and candid about what I’m feeling right now. I feel really lost, really confused and I feel like complete heap of emotions. I never really understood that feeling when people say they’re sick to their stomach, they’ve experienced a heartache so bad it hurt physically or even crying till you have no more tears to cry. That was the case until tonight.

I’m in love, and being in love is great. But it’s a double edged sword because the greatest highs come with the potential greatest lows. I’ve hurt the one I love because I’m irresponsible with myself, and those around me. I can’t manage my life let alone hope to be with someone who has direction in life. Wandering through life is tough, and most people manage to stumble and get through with a few bumps or bruises. I on the other  hand have come to a standstill, my life has no direction. I see several goals and places where I want to be, but I’m crippled by options and choice. I’m here writing because it’s my refuge, my space, where I can just let my feelings out. My writing here in inconsequential to the grand scheme of life, as most things I do are. But some things I do, have significant impact on others. I question myself constantly and wonder why it is that I can’t manage to do even the smallest things that will lead somewhere, the path seems so simple. Just walk down it. It’s brightly lit, with guide posts along the way. Yet here I am, unable to do it.

I can only watch as she continues on down the path, one day I will catch up to where she is now. It might be too late by that time, for diamonds are often the ones that get snatched up by those who notice it as more than just a rock. I don’t know, I’m still reeling from what happened. I feel sadness, I feel confusion, I feel lost, and I know it’s no one’s fault but mine. The pain is starting to dissipate, or maybe I’m just numb to everything I’m feeling, probably the latter as I feel intense grips at my heart whenever I think about anything.

I need to figure out my life before I can bring anyone else along for the ride. I know a love like this won’t go away, nor do I want it to. I deserve this hurt and pain I feel and that’s all I know at this point…


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Overcoming the impossible

The title may be a bit misleading as what I’m trying to accomplish or going through isn’t really impossible per se, rather it’s an obstacle in my path of accomplishing what I want to accomplish in life. A lot of what I’m facing is really personal to me, as in they aren’t things that are influenced by an outside source. At times it really seems impossible to get through but I know that’s just a mental issue that I need to work through by trying to accomplish small things. There are a lot of pressures I feel personally as a writer, a creative, and in general I guess. The thing is that a lot of these pressures I feel are placed upon me by myself because of all the great things I want to accomplish and or become. This leads me to wonder and question a lot whether I am capable of doing such things at all, let along with the help from people around me. I think this is one of the reasons why so many people these days struggle, because of stresses and pressures that are imposed on them from either society or from within as is my case. I haven’t really been too open with everything I’m going through because well it’s just not something I’m used to. Really what is happening is that a lot of the times people such as myself, don’t know how to reach out to others. I’ve been accustomed to the fact that men should be strong willed, and asking for help is a sign of weakness. That isn’t the case by any means, but… maybe these are just excuses as well. I’ve begun to make little changes in my life, doing small things and while I am by no means perfect in everything I’m doing I’m making that effort, slowly but surely.

In any event, my journey over the next few months will be critical in determining my future. No pressure right? Ha!~

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Something’s wrong…

I think that this is as good of a time as any to start up with this blog again… I’ve struggled over the past little while trying to figure out why I haven’t been able to be consistent with my writing on this blog. It’s something that I felt and really wanted to work on but for whatever reason I would always make excuses and never really get around to do much, I would get down on myself and well nothing would really be accomplished. It’s not even that nothing will be accomplished, it’s literally nothing was completed. I just would stop working and worry about how much everything mattered, even if it didn’t matter that much. I want to and have these great dreams and things I want accomplished, but it seems as if I’m struggling to even accomplish small tasks. Every day I struggle to find the motivation to do anything. One of the things that makes it so difficult is that I don’t feel as if anything is wrong, but I know that there is something wrong. To escape my feelings of worry and anxiety I tended to find ways of escaping, playing video games, watching endless amounts of media, or just sleeping for hours. It’s something that I know isn’t going to benefit me by not doing anything but even small simple tasks seem hard for me to do. Anything that is remotely productive becomes worrying to me. There are feelings of inadequacy that accompany my mood. It’s kind of hard to recognize because I don’t feel sad like the feelings that are typically associated with depression. Sometimes I wonder is this because there’s something actually wrong with me, or if I’m just lazy. Maybe it’s a fear of success, fear of rejection, or just fear in general. A lot of people tell me to just do it, and they make it seem as if it’s so simple. It probably is but for whatever reason I can’t seem to bring myself around to doing anything. Sometimes I even do things such as applying for work, I get so far as to completing and application then closing it because I’m afraid. It’s just… I don’t really know… Things are just… There’s definitely something wrong with me but I’m working at it… I just don’t know if it’ll be too late to change and make my life better.

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Public Displays of Affection (PDA)

Over the last little while, I’ve noticed a lot of people post a lot of things about relationships, about their significant others in my social networks. There are others that are generally just be lovey dovey and cutesy with their partners in public, holding hands, kissing, making out etc. Now, I want everyone to understand that I am not a cynic about love and romance as this post may make me seem as such. What I will say is that while it’s fine to be in love, a majority of people don’t care to see obsessive public displays of affection or PDA.

There are two main things that I want to gripe about right now, the first being the physical exhibitions of PDA. I understand that couples are in love wish to share their love in a physical way however, much like most things in life, there is a time and a place for everything. I am okay with a simple kiss, some hand holding or hugs, but anything beyond that is obsessive for me. What I’m talking about is those couples who are adorably in love and want to make sure that you and everyone around you know that they’re in love. They’re the ones that have no shame making out in front of people, or who are so hot for each other that everyone else around them just becomes a nuisance to their expressions of love. The reason why these people bother me so much is not because they’re in love as I am pro love, They bother me because it almost becomes inconsiderate how much or how far they’ll go to express their love for each other. Lots of individuals who are single don’t need to be reminded of their singleness by seeing these people. I think the key here is moderation. For example, water gun fights are fun for everyone involved. You bring your little super soaker, and you shoot each other and everyone has a jolly good time. How I equate excessive PDA in this scenario is people who choose to ignore the unspoken guidelines of bringing a water gun to this fight, and decide to go all out bringing a firetruck hooked up to the street  hydrant to blow anyone out of the water.  Ok that’s a weak example but that’s how I see excessive PDA on a physical level.

The second excessive use of PDA is the social media love explosions. The posts that appear to be seemingly cute and adorable are actually bombs of disappointment waiting to happen. These couples set unrealistic expectations of the concept of love. You know the ones I’m talking about, the posts that show their undying love for one another, and often equate their love to some fictitious story like Romeo and Juliet (which, in my opinion isn’t very romantic). Don’t get me wrong here either, I’m not saying people shouldn’t express their love for each other through social media, I think there are appropriate times to do so, but the ones I’m talking about are people who post on the daily how much they are in love. How they can’t live without each other, or how they just want the world to feel how grossly into each other they are.

Maybe I am a bit of a cynic when it comes to matters of the heart, or maybe I’m just tired of all these people being too far in their efforts. Moderation is all I’m asking for. If you think you’re one of these people just tone it back a bit. You can be that much in love with another person but just keep it to yourself. The rest of the world doesn’t need a humble brag about how much you love each other. But that’s just my opinion.

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Weak things made strong

I’ve been thinking about this phrase, specifically from a religious perspective. As a person with relatively strong religious affiliation and beliefs, God has promised that as we exercise a belief in Him, our weaknesses will be made turned to strengths.

The scripture in question here is found in the Book of Ether, in the Book of Mormon, chapter 12 verses 27 and 28.

 27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

 28 Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all righteousness.

Now, it may seem obvious to most but not really to me why our weak things will be made strong. Is it because God will strengthen our weaknesses because He wants us to become stronger and more able to fulfill His will? Does He want us to work on our weaknesses and thereby being able to have our weak things become strong? There is also a preclusion that if are to be made strong, we must also be humble enough to have the desire to go to God for to strengthen us. Being humble enough to seek after God to strengthen our weaknesses shows our faith and devotion to Him.

It’s hard to comprehend how we can turn our weaknesses into strengths, because we are unable to understand a lot of how God works and his many mysteries. One thing that I am sure of is that our purpose is to learn and grow in this life. We will experience hardships and find things we might not be able to do at first. Like I’ve said before many things do require work and effort, to practice and to get better at. I think that’s precisely what God wants for us, to work, improve different aspects of our live. However He wants us to always remember where our abilities, strengths and talents come from.

I think this is why I need to finish a blog in a single sitting, because I lost my train of thought from yesterday when I was blogging. Good job brain, good job! Well I guess it something does come back up I’ll amend this blog but for now, I guess that’s the end of that.

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The Ripples of Life

Life is pretty interesting most of the time. Everyday there will be choices we must make. The daily choices we make can have consequences both good and bad. One interesting thing about this is, we can’t ever fully see the scope of how far reaching our choices are. In an ideal world we try our best to make the choices we feel are best for us, but in all situations and circumstances we aren’t always able to choose the outcomes we’d like.

All our actions rely a lot on faith. We go to school in hopes that we can gain an education that will help us be employed. We work so that we can earn money to hopefully provide a better life for us and those around us. We follow laws in hopes that order in society will bring peace (this one is a bit of stretch). I blog in hopes that something I say will have an impact on someone out there, even if the reach of my posts are maybe a handful of people or less.

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like had a went to a different school growing up. Would I be the way I am now? Was I shaped by the friends I had at my school? If I had different friends would I be a completely different person? Or would nothing change because that’s just the way I am? These are sort of the larger ripples of life choices that we can’t really see the effects of, because they become so immersive that you just won’t know.

The ripples of choice that I was thinking about was more along the lines of random acts of kindness, that while we might not be able to see any effects from, sometimes do come back to us in some way shape or form. I have heard countless stories and accounts of individuals who have changed their lives completely because of one single act of kindness from someone in their lives. This change they enacted in their own lives prompted them to be more kind or generous to others, and the cycle goes on from there. I can’t recall a specific example of when my actions had a great and lasting impact, or rather I can’t think of times when I had a positive impact on people. I can think of a time when my negative actions towards a friend had a positive impact on his life and the lives of those he encountered. I was such a jerk as a child.

So one of my best friends growing up is an immigrant to Canada. When he first moved here, he was a portly child, and we affectionately called him fat all the time. He enjoyed eating KFC as a child in Hong Kong where he was from. He wasn’t all that athletic but enjoyed playing with us. We were friends but kids are mean creatures who don’t usually feel remorse for their actions. Over the course of several years we would pick on him, but because of my beliefs and the way we grew up we had developed a stronger friendship through religion. It was apparent when we were between the ages of 12-14 that he wasn’t as athletic as the rest of us. We would tease him about it but we accepted him for who he was. He was always strong in character and attitude, and still is to this day. He turned all the teasing we had done towards him in high school in to positive energy. He began to work out more to become stronger physically, by the middle of high school he was on his high school football team as a lineman. The habits he developed in high school made him really enjoy working out, something that he does professionally now as a physical trainer for performance athletes in a gym he co-owns. He attributes his desire to working out to us picking on him as a child. This isn’t the best example but it’s the only one that comes to mind right now, and it does illustrate how our actions can change people. We chose to be mean as children (some might think it’s inherent in children to be mean) and it caused him to change his life path and be where he is now. For the record he wanted to be a cop for the longest time even up until he was in university, and we are still best friends to this day.

While we can do our best to mitigate any extreme negative consequences, the reality of the matter is that our lives aren’t that simple. All we can do is do our best, treat others with kindness and hope that in the end all will be well, as it usually is, all it takes is time. Something that is precious and undervalued for it’s worth, but that’s another topic for another time.

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Still not sure what to do?

So as stated in my last post, I would be continuing with my commentary on what it takes in life to be motivated and to succeed. Granted I am in no position to speak from my own experience yet, but it is something that I can speak on because of the people I know in my life who are successful through their example. So with that disclaimer, I’ll continue to share my commentary. As discouragement is like a slow burning candle surrounded by kindling and dry wood all around, if left unattended could turn into a fiery inferno of depression. It needs to be kept in check and to be monitored and taken care of in order to not let it get out of hand.

Overcoming discouragement requires one to have support, from people around them, but going just being relying on those around you is having the humility to reach out to those around for support. This is one that I struggle with a lot when I am in these situations. I bring this up because often those who are in a state of discouragement are often a few steps away from depression. Which is another entirely different beast to tackle on it’s own. Why I bring up reaching out to your support network isn’t to burden them for “support” but to acknowledge and recognize your problem through admission. Admitting to someone else that you have a problem is hard. It also shows a willingness to change and a willingness to be open to suggestions as to how to improve.

The last thing I have to say about this for now, as there still are a lot of things I can say about this is and one could write a lot and lot about this subject but I am not the expert to do as such. Anyways the last thing that I wasn’t to suggest is to try to celebrate the small successes to remain as optimistic as possible. Having a positive outlook is one of the strongest things you can do to stay motivated through discouragement. Being able to see and have an end goal can be the drive to help get over the overwhelming wall that discouragement brings. Knowing that the path isn’t easy is always hard but also knowing that there will be better things in the future can help to motivate through discouraging times.

I’m clearly rambling at this point so I think I’ll end this here. Let me know in the comments below what helps encourage and motivate you when you’re discouraged.

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