I often wonder why we meet the people we do. I will be incredibly genuine and candid about what I’m feeling right now. I feel really lost, really confused and I feel like complete heap of emotions. I never really understood that feeling when people say they’re sick to their stomach, they’ve experienced a heartache so bad it hurt physically or even crying till you have no more tears to cry. That was the case until tonight.
I’m in love, and being in love is great. But it’s a double edged sword because the greatest highs come with the potential greatest lows. I’ve hurt the one I love because I’m irresponsible with myself, and those around me. I can’t manage my life let alone hope to be with someone who has direction in life. Wandering through life is tough, and most people manage to stumble and get through with a few bumps or bruises. I on the other hand have come to a standstill, my life has no direction. I see several goals and places where I want to be, but I’m crippled by options and choice. I’m here writing because it’s my refuge, my space, where I can just let my feelings out. My writing here in inconsequential to the grand scheme of life, as most things I do are. But some things I do, have significant impact on others. I question myself constantly and wonder why it is that I can’t manage to do even the smallest things that will lead somewhere, the path seems so simple. Just walk down it. It’s brightly lit, with guide posts along the way. Yet here I am, unable to do it.
I can only watch as she continues on down the path, one day I will catch up to where she is now. It might be too late by that time, for diamonds are often the ones that get snatched up by those who notice it as more than just a rock. I don’t know, I’m still reeling from what happened. I feel sadness, I feel confusion, I feel lost, and I know it’s no one’s fault but mine. The pain is starting to dissipate, or maybe I’m just numb to everything I’m feeling, probably the latter as I feel intense grips at my heart whenever I think about anything.
I need to figure out my life before I can bring anyone else along for the ride. I know a love like this won’t go away, nor do I want it to. I deserve this hurt and pain I feel and that’s all I know at this point…